How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

How Can I Forgive You The Courage to Forgive the Freedom Not To Until now we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive Dr Spring a gifted therapist and the award winning author of After the Affair proposes a radical life aff

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  • Title: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
  • Author: Janis Abrahms Spring Michael Spring
  • ISBN: 9780060009311
  • Page: 366
  • Format: Paperback
  • Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive Dr Spring, a gifted therapist and the award winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives without forgiving She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for gUntil now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive Dr Spring, a gifted therapist and the award winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives without forgiving She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.This bold and healing book offers step by step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead When is forgiveness cheap What is wrong with refusing to forgive How can the offender earn forgiveness How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being

    One thought on “How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To”

    1. Absolutely wonderful. I'd recommend this to anyone who is human. (Yes, that would be to everyone.) Chock full of wonderful information, poignant case-in-points, and the appendix is an excellent resource all on its own.- - - Excerpts Cheap Forgiveness is a quick and easy pardon with no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury. It's a compulsive, unconditional, unilateral attempt at peacemaking for which you ask nothing in return. Cheap Forgiveness is dysfunctional because it [...]

    2. This is the best thing I've ever read on forgiveness, even better than Getting Even: Forgiveness and Its Limits. The author explores the psychological processes involved in forgiving or deciding not to forgive someone. Most people act like forgiveness is a single simple decision to turn off their anger. I've never understood that concept, as almost nobody has the capability to cut off emotions by an act of will.If you feel pressured to forgive someone, if you wish someone would forgive you, if y [...]

    3. Just random notes:How Can I Forgive You?The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not ToJanis Abrahms SpringSo much literature on forgiveness has been written specifically for you, the hurt party, telling you what you need to do to grant forgiveness, rather than telling the offender what he needs to do to earn forgiveness. THis single-minded focus has compromised, twisted, and cheapened the process of forgiveness and created a saintly, abstract concept that many of us feel pressured to accept at any c [...]

    4. A new position on forgiveness- helps reframe the concept plus offers advice and steps you can take to get where you need to be. While the focus is primarily on affairs, she does branch out and touch on other forms of relationships.

    5. This book is a must read for all. It's really brought me healing and eye opening. I encourage everyone to read this.

    6. This book has a lot of great information. It seems to be geared toward infidelity, but it can be applied universally.

    7. I had read Dr. Spring’s book, After the Affair, several years ago and found it to be a wealth of useful information, research and interventions for those who have suffered infidelity. This book was recommended to me by a trusted colleague and, as it addressed an area that is a part of many (most) issues I see in my clinical practice, I hurried to read it. I was disappointed in the book until I realized Dr. Spring’s use of “forgiveness” was given a much broader definition than the one [...]

    8. This book has the occasional tidbit of good advice. However, much of what Spring advises can be really harmful to those dealing with truly abusive (including Cluster B) individuals. If you are upset and cannot let it go because your plumber did not clean-up after himself, then maybe this book is for you. (yes, an actual example from the book)If, however, you are dealing with and/or have survived truly abusive individuals then I would recommend that you find a different book altogether. If you ar [...]

    9. I really wish the author had chosen to use gender-neutral pronouns. It seems like 99% of this book uses "he" for the offender and "she" for the offended. I had to do quite a bit of mental editing to neutralize or gender-swap as I read. Disappointing to feel man-bashed while trying to self-enlighten.The first bit of valuable insights this book offers is in explaining the type of people that fall into different patterns of behavior, and how events in their childhood can affect how they act in adul [...]

    10. The subtitle: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. For anyone who has been hurt by someone in their life and cannot find a way to move on. Dr. Springer discusses four kinds of forgiveness: Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness. Acceptance is one avenue that is not offered to us from those who insist "we must forgive to find peace." Acceptance is an alternate route to take when the other party is unwilling or unavailable to participate in the process of [...]

    11. I feel like there is something for everyone in this book. My favorite section on this book was the one about acceptance and the practical steps one can take in order to accept the situation for what it is and move on even if the person who hurt you is unrepentant or unavailable. There are lots of different case studies from real patients as well to demonstrate the author's points. This is another aspect of the book I liked.I gave this a 3-star rating because I skimmed over some chapters. Some ch [...]

    12. Janis A. Spring is a clinical psychologist and expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. And I think some people are born to show us what and how and what, again, to do with ourselves to make our life easier. This book should be on everybody's list. Everybody should know about Janis Spring and her work on cheap forgiveness, acceptance and genuine forgiveness. This books gives and gives and nurtures, together with Stephen Levine's book ''Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Rev [...]

    13. A Tool For My ToolboxThe content of this book is not geared toward just you forgiving another person, it guides you through the process of exploring compassion and forgiveness for yourself.It is not just about forgiving infidelity; it demonstrates that every kind of relationship that you can think of can produce scenarios that need forgiveness. For example, siblings, parent and child, best friends, in laws, and of course spouses (and not just infidelity).This is an excellent reference book.

    14. The goal of revenge is to crucify the offender. The goal of Acceptance is to resurrect your best self. Revenge is other-directed; Acceptance is inner-directed. When you contain your obsessions, the offender becomes less important to you than you are. Getting back or getting even becomes less important than getting well.With Acceptance you make a conscious decision to break loose from your nagging thoughts and reclaim the energy you've spent on feeling betrayed-to dismantle your rage and reach ou [...]

    15. Another excellent book by Janis Abrahms-Spring, this one dealing with the topic of forgiveness. She discusses choices (Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Genuine Forgiveness and Acceptance). She stresses that involving the one who hurt you in the forgiveness process brings a deep sense of satisfaction, and that it's a critical component of Genuine Forgiveness. Choosing Acceptance, in lieu of Genuine Forgiveness, is an alternative option should one so decide on it. A fascinating and helpful [...]

    16. Not sure this is a 5 star book. It was for me because it spoke to a critical issue and need in my life, but not sure it would resonate the same with another if I recommended it to someone who was in a similar situation. I love the way she writes about what forgiveness really is. Forgiving myself is huge. Clear cut guidelines for the offender about what you need from them is so so good. Helped me move from the emotional piece to the practical, tangible piece.

    17. This book is easy to read with not too much therapist-speak. It is not directed towards those who seek to forgive after an affair (which so many books are) but for any major grievance in any relationship. Also the chapter on acceptance could be applied to any aspect of life you can't change. She gives specific tasks that needed to be completed and lays out four different ways to move past a grievance, some which allow you to be more successful than others.

    18. Amazing, insightful book. I'll probably read it again, there's so much to take in. I recommend it to anyone who has had a painful relationship problem in their lives. It made me realize how many things I thought I had forgiven people for that I really hadn't, and now I can work on that, and let go of ghosts from the past. Highly recommend it.

    19. Not satisfying for me. I agree we need the freedom not to forgive - but the author seemed to under-value that end.This is an important topic for me because I wrestle with these issues. I just needed a different slant on it.

    20. An important topic. Really made meThink about forgiveness and what it really means to forgive. I agree with Dr. Abrahams Spring for the most part. This book has helped me better forgive or accept the people that have wronged me and myself.

    21. Wrote a blog post called "Forgiveness: Not Always Necessary, Often Helpful" (mindingtherapy/forgive) based on both reading Spring's book and attending her workshop on the subject.

    22. Interesting book, I liked the fact that the author is not a proponent of "forgiveness at any cost, in order to achieve healing for oneself". She allows that forgiveness is a choice, and one that doesn't need to be made in order to let go of hurt and move on successfully.

    23. I don't know what I make of this book. Too many examples of people and much emphasis on forgiving terrible acts but not enough convincing arguments of how, when and why. It will warrant a reread on my part.

    24. A very helpful bookThis book has proven to be the key to what I hope is ultimate forgiveness for what I have done to my wife.

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